Learning to Live Again

So it's 2.44am The night before an exam I think that I have a good chance of Failing I should be studying But all I can think about is You I can't stop the tears As they stream down my face I can't stop the memories It feels like my head is Cracking You deserve more than me But I don't know how to live without You I still haven't yet gone a week without Crying The only thing that could fix this is You cuddling me and telling me that Everything is Ok But you won't And it's not And I'm Alone And I'm Scared Everything is not Ok

- Be my own friend - One mistake does not define who I am. I made a mistake, which does not mean I am a mistake. - It is okay to let go of your own guilt/shame if you have learnt from it - I am unable to have physical connections without emotional ones - I lost a piece of myself, and it is okay to sometimes feel a little empty because of it - I am slowly regaining my spark - I can not know what is inside somebody else's head - Nobody can fairly judge me if they haven't been what I've been through, and it's impossible for them to have been through the exact same experience. Judging without knowing is just ignorance, and is unhelpful. Therefore, I shouldn't let it affect me.

I need to Learn how to Forgive myself Before I can truly Be okay. I need to Learn how to Be kind And give myself A break.

I have never Let it get that far I have never Not seen The light at the end of the tunnel Until Today I wanted to drive As far away from my feelings as my car would take me Wherever would help me stop caring I just wanted everything to Stop I wrote some notes in my head "I love you. I'm sorry." "You have always been the best family. It's not your fault." "It's understandable but you were the biggest disappointment when I needed you the most." Things that stopped me: - being on the phone - how big the waves were - how cold it was - knowing it was the most selfish thing I could do and that it would hurt everyone I cared about So close to the edge.

I think you forget That I'm judging myself Harder than you ever could And I don't want to Deal with your judgement When I can't even handle my own Goodbye. "You left the conversation".

I miss my home. My home was always you.

When my hot tears meld into the droplets of water from the shower And the excruciating tightness in my chest and in the back of my throat Refuse to go away And I find myself questioning, hoping That none of this is real That this hyperventilating I'm doing Is just in my dreams But I know I'm still awake And part of me Just doesn't want to exist anymore. And it feels stupid When there are other people who have much worse problems than I But I just feel like i'm nothing I'm all alone. A tiny part of me Just wants this suffering to end Just wants it to stop No matter what the cost.

I reach out to touch your hand, Only to feel you flinch. It's as though my fingertips Are a scalding hot flame. I remember the first time We held hands. You were so nervous That your hands were sweaty. Mine were too. You were so embarrassed, And having never held a girl's hand before, You pulled away. I didn't know why you let go, So I was hurt. But I know why you're letting go now, Not only of my hand but of my heart. I know I deserve it, And that makes it worse. I look at you and ask "What are you thinking?". You shake your head and say "It's silly" , Which only makes me want to know more. You say: " I'm just guessing what you're thinking." "What do you mean by that?" "You're probably thinking something dramatic. Something like Those eyes that used to look at me With so much love Now look at me With emptiness" . You know me so well. I deserve for you to look at me And ...

" Marry me? " " I will. Eventually. "

When you lie in your bed, Listening to the sound of raindrops Without the touch of their skin against yours. Missing their hand on your waist, Their soft warm breath on the back of your neck As you both let yourselves fall asleep. Remembering waking up And kissing their lips, A slow incredulous smile forming, As if they can't believe that you're real, That they could be blessed enough To wake up next to you. They whisper "Good morning. I love you." As they pull you in closer. Both of you wanting to stay, In that imitation of heaven Forever.